I mean are they? The highs, that is … are the highs worth the lows? I’ve written about this before. But I’ve never posted about it. So here it goes …
A little background. When Gastro Gabe and I first started chatting (no, not in high school, as adults) it was completely innocent and platonic. But the words we exchanged developed and, well, this happened. We managed this for a while but living some 3,000 miles away from each other isn’t easy, but it isn’t too terribly hard either. We have a connection that makes the distance seem less than it really is. Makes it doable. Necessary, even.
We see each other every two or three months, meet places that work for both of us. At his work conference. At one of the cities I need to visit for research for some yet untitled article. Blah, blah, blah. And every time we are together, it is amazing.
Being with him makes my entire body, mind and soul open. I devour everything he talks about and I want to just lay beside him in the dark, quiet. Breathing. Skin to skin.
So yes, needless to say, the “highs” are ridiculously high. He takes my breath away.
But, where there is a high, there is also a low. And it does get hard. Because I always have to leave him. I have to drop him at an airport and drive away. Or he has to drop me at an airport and drive away. And I cry. So hard. For days. And I wonder if the highs are worth the lows that inevitably ensue. And it sucks. I rethink and re-evaluate everything. And I never tell him how scared I am. He doesn’t know. Or at least he didn’t know, until I posted this.
Are the highs worth the lows? Or, are the lows worth the highs? Sometimes, I’m not sure.
Because missing someone is so undeniably difficult that sometimes, when I’m away from him, I convince myself I should forget about the highs and settle into the lows. But then I remember how he touches me, how he feels, how he smells, tastes, looks … and I am instantly reminded that I don’t really give a shit.
Because the lows are what make me strong. The lows are what make me. The lows are what give rise to the highs and so, while I dread the moments when I have to leave him, I look forward to the time I get to spend with him and that’s something. Something pretty damn great. For the record, no, I don’t want to live away from him, but experiencing the hard shit is what makes the good shit something to look forward to, and something I never want to take for granted should the day come when we are able to live together, under the same roof.
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirits the very wood that was hollowed with knives?” ― Kahlil Gibran
As I have gotten older (holy shit I’m fucking 53 already) I’ve become more of a realist. I am the dreamer for sure, but things I’ve learned over the years have finally caught up with me and if you believe in such things as the “stars aligning” they did. For me. In the last year, the alignment has become more clear than at any point in my life …
… this woman (Gastro Lovely) whom I’ve had the oddest connection with since high school (a story for another time) came landing in my life for real. The highs and the lows are so very polar opposites with us for sure. You know baby, what do I always say? … “it means we are one day closer to being together.” That belief is my saving grace from going crazy. I am a believer in you and I’m a believer in us and as weird as it is to write feelings in posts … I’m actually good with it. It reminds me of the scene in the movie “Elf” where Buddy the Elf goes into the boardroom and busts in during the important meeting spinning around, throwing his hat in the air and proclaiming, “I’M IN LOVE, I’M IN LOVE AND I DONT CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!”
The highs and lows are alllll worth it. They are wonderful and suck at the same time, but you know what? We are one day closer baby.