Efficient Bodies Sweat (a LOT!)

I have always been a sweater. Wait a minute … that doesn’t look right. Not the knitted pullover your head kind of sweater … but the body-ridding itself of toxins, excess salt, heat … that kind of sweater. I mean it’s not like I stink or anything, but when I finish a run my pores drip with the salt-laden liquid. When I stand on the sidelines of a mid-summer’s day soccer match, I sweat—a lot; not just dab myself off with a kerchief kind of sweat. More like a NO, I did not pee my pants, it’s just a lovely line of body juice runneth over my shorts, kind of sweat. Which, by the way, is why I never EVER wear khaki colored shorts on a hot summer day—it’s also why I can’t stand golf. Makes no sense to me to shower and dress “course appropriate” only so I can look like I’ve peed my pants at the first turn.

The first time I worked out with my favorite man he saw first hand how much I sweat. And I think he might have been a bit surprised. Most people are. But hey, I work my ass off so it can look like the fine ass that it is so I’m pretty sure he got over any thoughts of “ohhh gross” pretty fast. Right?

Anyway, people sweat for the same reasons (physiologically speaking) as the rest of the animal kingdom—to rid our bodies of excess heat. To help cool ourselves down. But here’s the thing … not everybody sweats as much as others—skinny, fat, out of shape, in shape, men, women or otherwise … (OK, pregnant people sweat more. Certain medications make people sweat more. Drinking too much alcohol makes you sweat more. Diabetics sweat more. But for the sake of my point I’m referring to people without any extraordinary circumstances.) Supposedly—or at least I remember reading once that since sweating is the body’s way of regulating its temperature, more efficient bodies sweat more. Make sense? 

The better in-shape you are, the easier it is for you to begin sweating. Again, makes sense? Yes. Yes it does. And that’s exactly what I told my favorite man on that fateful morning when wearing red leggings to cycle, I sweated so much that I did indeed look like I had peed my pants.

Skinny people, however, don’t seem to mind sweating. Have you ever noticed that? They can attend countless garden parties under the relentless summer sun and still look fabulous, regardless of the tiny sweat beads accumulating on their foreheads. Overweight people, on the other hand, seem to be bothered by sweat more than their skinny counterparts … have you ever noticed that? Like the ones that simply must find a place in the shade to sit down while the said skinny garden party attendees sip their cocktails and chat about how lovely the weather is. For the record, I hate garden parties.                                                     

Even at my skinniest, I am still a sweater, (no, still not the knitted pullover your head kind of sweater) so much, that at times I was embarrassed … not everyone buys the “my body’s more efficient than yours” line. Yet even way back when I was running marathons, eating nothing but leafy greens, and abstaining from alcohol, I still sweated. A lot. I suppose it’s just one of those things that makes me who I am … YAY me. But you know what? 

I like sweating. There’s nothing quite like finishing a long, hard run in the summertime and feeling the sweat run down your body. It’s like your body’s way of telling you, “Way to go! You did it, while everyone else is attending garden parties you just did something good for yourself.” 

And you know what, I’d rather be a little late to the garden party than skip my workouts. Besides, as you might recall, I’m not a big of garden parties anyway. Oh, and for the record, IF I were a sweater—yes, the knitted pullover your head kind of sweater—I would be cashmere … sleeveless, of course.

Alright babe … I’m gonna have to call “BS” on this one. Let’s not forget I lived in Mississippi and Florida (combined about 7 years). So when I say this. it’s coming from the heart so consider this a teaching moment … here goes … I don’t care who you are and how much you loooove sweating and baby you and I have had some great sweaty moments together, but there is one thing no one wants and it’s not a sign of efficiency and that is “SWAMP ASS.” There I said it. Everyone was thinking it as they read your post. Swamp ass is gross and it is like a mosquito … has no real purpose in the animal kingdom. So baby as much as I love you and damn I love when I get to see you glisten; no one … I mean no one in their right mind looks forward to a case of sweaty swamp ass. There is a reason Gold Bond Medicated Powder was invented … SWAMP ASS.

On Being a Flexitarian

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