Relationships: The Asparagus Stage

“Babe, I gotta pee,”

It’s a very natural part of nature, peeing. And we’re all adults here, so its really not a topic that should scare anyone. Initially when we (as in “we,” I mean “we” collectively) begin dating we all close the door behind us, unless you are some sort of animal. As we get a bit more comfortable with each other the door remains closed, then the ever “gotta show there was an attempt to close the door but it didn’t make it the whole way” step, and then finally “fuck it, I gotta pee” step and the door doesn’t even get touched. It varies with each couple I’m sure.

Honestly, I don’t think it was very long before the door was left open with Gastro Lovely and myself. Now, if you’re dropping a stink bomb … uh always close the door. Remember we aren’t animals here and it’s important to show your partner you care for them by making sure that if you leave a less than desirable scent behind, you make it palpable by using something to mask the smell (i.e., lite a match or use a spray like Home and Body Company’s Poop Culture “English Rose.”

On a very sophomoric level it can be a bit funny when you hear “WTF! Hey what died in here?!” Oh and by the way you have less of those situations when you go plant based … at least from my experience. (Not based on science).

So yeah, staying on the restroom subject. here, as the title suggests, there is a stage in the relationship that must be treated as part of the restroom etiquette stage. I call it the “Asparagus Stage” of the relationship. Asparagus, well, it makes your pee smell bad. How can something so good for you play such a nasty trick on you? Well, you can blame yourself (sorta). Our own bodies convert asparagusic acid to sulfur-containing properties that just don’t smell very good. These can be noticed in your pee as quickly as 15 minutes and last up to 12-14 hours. So there’s that.

Now, Gastro Lovely and I love asparagus. I repeat … we looooove asparagus. At this point in our relationship we have added asparagus to nearly half of the meals we’ve cooked with each other. Not because of the smell it creates (duh), but for one it tastes great, and two it’ss also really easy to make and very low in calories and three, packed with essential vitamins, minerals, and anti-oxidants.

So if you’re ready to prepare or are ready to take that all important step of your relationship, then go ahead and take a look at these simple steps to adding asparagus to your next meal.

Asparagus only takes a few minutes to prep and cook-especially if you are short on time.


PERFECTLY PREPARED ASPARAGUS

PREP TIME 5 minutes | COOK TIME 10 minutes

  • 1 bunch of fresh asparagus
  • 2 teaspoons of olive oil OR ghee (seen in the video) OR your favorite vegan “butter”
  • 2-3 cloves of garlic (I prefer squeeze garlic by Spice World when in a pinch)
  • Sea salt

If using cloves of garlic use your chef’s knife to smash the cloves so that they burst open. Make sure you remove the peel prior. Using a medium skillet heat olive oil and garlic over medium-high heat until the garlic begins to brown and becomes aromatic (takes roughly 2 or 3 minutes). Remove the garlic from the oil and toss. We use the garlic to infuse the oil that the asparagus will be cooked in. Another fun and spicy option is to add a chopped jalapeno. Follow the same directions as the garlic if you do the jalapenos. Note, if you leave the garlic in the oil it can become bitter.

Take one of the asparagus and bend to find where the natural break is in the stalk, Use this one as the guide for cutting the fibrous pieces of the other stalks.

Cut the asparagus appropriately, then add to warmed oil, add salt to taste. This should really only take about 3-4 minutes. You do not want them to be soggy, but rather tender and snappy. That’s it. Easy peasy. Serve with a few crumbles of your favorite vegan cheese and maybe some walnuts or pine nuts and a wedge of lemon. Any leftovers can be added to other dishes so you can continue to keep the Asparagus Stage alive as long as possible (wink, wink).

One, I don’t pee in front of you unless it’s absolutely necessary. Two, I will NEVER take a crap in front of you you heathen. Three, your asparagus (no pun intended) is the bomb, babe! xoxo

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