On Being A Flexitarian

… RELAX …  Eat more plants. Eat less meat, or none at all. Eat less dairy, or none at all. But whatever you do, EAT MORE PLANTS! 

The other day—wait, hold on … we’re in the midst of a pandemic. So OK, it wasn’t actually the other day, it was more like a gazillion years ago when I went to this uber cool restaurant touted for unique vegan dishes as well as a few (albeit a very few) dishes that include some local meats. Anyhoo, my friend and I ordered drinks (shocker, I know) and the waiter proceeded to tell us about the specials of which one happened to contain pork. My friend then, gesturing towards me said … “Oh, she doesn’t eat meat.”

The waiter responded with a, “Oh, yea, right on. So you’re vegan?” To which I laughed a little, shook my head and said … Ummmm, no …

I don’t eat meat or dairy but to be clear, I do wear leather.

The waiter laughed so hard I thought he might swallow his tongue, which would have been tragic because he was hot af and I have a feeling he uses his tongue for more than just tasting the restaurant’s many, many, exquisite meals. (I know, I know, but I couldn’t help myself.) And I have to admit, given the company I was in (meaning my friend, not the hot af waiter), it was kinda funny as she, like me, is a food writer and, unlike me, will eat anything and everything placed in front of her. 

But, that’s not the point of this post. Although it would be a fun path to walk down for a bit, I’m going to try and stay focused on what it means to be a flexitarian.

See, it’s like this. Everyone needs to fking relax on the whole “doesn’t eat meat,” thing. Yes, I follow a mostly plant-based diet. I steer clear of dairy (except for Brie, I mean what can I say), and I don’t eat poultry, pork or beef or any animal protein except the occasional bit of seafood which I choose very carefully. So see … that’s my “mostly” plant-based diet. Get it? As for my partner in crime, he also eats mostly plants but every now and then I’ll surprise him with fried chicken and he literally melts. It’s like he falls in love with me all over again. And I know he appreciates it. And since he’s a million times hotter than the aforementioned waiter, and I love LOVE love it when he smiles, I’m more than willing to make him the occasional fried chicken dinner because it makes him happy. And no, I won’t eat it, but it’s cool … because to be clear, there really is no substitute for fried chicken. Just sayin’.

Anyway, remember this peeps, when trying to “upgrade” your diet and your health and the health of the planet, start slow. It’s OK. You don’t need to take out everything that isn’t plant-based all at once. Start simple. Start slow. Do what you can and don’t berate yourself if you falter a little. It’s OK. Be flexible. And so again I say … RELAX … Eat more plants. Eat less meat, or none at all. Eat less dairy, or none at all. But whatever you do, EAT MORE PLANTS!

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